From the day I took my first exam, I’ve already duly accepted the fact that my intelligence is simply, average. Maybe in a different world, namely the western one, I’d be considered a smart student, but in the discouraging reality known to us Asian kids as life, someone of my knowledge is hardly outstanding.
Knowing this hardly brought my spirits down, for I had no desire to be amongst the brainy, competitive + hardworking clan. Leisure while working has always been the way for me + always will be. You would never catch me spending extra hours in the study or doing extra exercises after finishing homework to stay ahead in the game. Nope, my dear mother would hope so but I as much as I loved the woman, I could not bring myself to read for another good whole hour when I could be writing a song about not reading for another good whole hour.
But I always do the work I am assigned + study when it is time to study. I can’t say I thrive too well for normal exams, but I usually achieve something within my satisfaction when it comes to the real deal.
I remember primary school. Lick Hung, the notoriously strict but prestigious Chinese school; the bane of my peers who attended said institution. I never felt contempt towards the school though, not once. Although I’ve gotten my fair share of punishments, I found that, without having to do much myself, I’d scraped through UPSR –public examination for those graduating primary school- with 6 As + 1 B.
As I am the eldest in my extended family on my maternal side, I’ve set the benchmark for my younger counterparts.
The next major exam I’d hurdled over was PMR –public examination which determines your route in the next + last two years in high school. Throughout my first three years in secondary school, SMK Subang Utama, I’d been fairly average. I remember nights of slacking + then nights of cramming right before school exams.
Then in the month of August, something happened. I’d come across a well kept secret that tore through me like a spear would. I’d assumed the worst. My good faith shaky + eyes teary, I could not believe it. But then again, I had no solid proof of the incredulous ideas sprouting out in my mind. I forced myself to push them aside for now, until October when PMR would be over + I would ponder further on the matter.
Fate decided otherwise. On the night of the first day of PMR, something came up which confirmed my earlier fears + just like that, I was broken. My naivety was shattered + disdain gripped my heart. I remember it being painful. I cried myself to sleep, scorn filling my senses like it never did before.
+ that’s how I sat for the rest –seven- of my eight remaining papers.
I recall flipping through the papers in a blur, probably because my eyes were filled with tears hot with contempt. I recall finishing in record time although my hands shook with rage. I recall weird looks from the examiners upon finding me sprawled on the table, scribbling words of hate on the back of my papers as my tears drenched them.
That was why, when my results came out –seven As + a B for Mandarin- my mother had cried into my neck. I’m not one to tear up when something good happens but considering the hardship I’d gone through, the tears came. In full view of the other students too, how embarrassing.
So that’s that. Time to move on to greener pastures. I’d chosen Pure Science subjects for my SPM –public exam for those graduating high school, equivalent to O levels.
In addition to my science inclined subjects, I’d taken up Accounting too.
This story is a less dramatic one though. However, I still managed to shed tears for two papers I’d flunked in tests –Chemistry + Add Math- hence earning myself the nickname, Crybaby.
That didn’t stick for long though, as I recall being the first one to be given the boot in a Spelling Bee. My friends didn’t let me live it down, as on the birthday cake they so graciously got me –on the day of an Add Math trial paper too- that year was the message ‘Happy Birthday our favourite Spelling Bee’ or something of the sort. But hey, would you have spelt ‘puritan’ correctly upon hearing the word for the first time? Yes? Well, I didn’t.
At this point in my life, I looked back + realized, I’d never aced all my subjects. Not once. I was always close, having one B get in the way. So I secretly harboured hope that maybe this time, I’d make it.
Again, fate decided I didn’t deserve it so 4A+’s, 2A’s, 3A-‘s, 1B+ + a B was what I got. + yeah, that’s the rating system for you; more math.
Naturally, the next step was to consider several pre-university options. Some of which were the foundation courses or STPM/A levels/SAM/CPU etc. I was torn between my love for justice + biology –then, my plan was to be a surgeon. Ambitious for someone of average intellect, no? The fallback plan was to be a criminal lawyer. While the thought of putting criminals behind bars appealed to me, I’d really wanted to help people in the most important way possible. After all, health is everything.
My mother took me to many a doctor + lawyer friend to sort myself out. But it only blurred my vision more.
Doctors warned that being in the medical profession means very little down time, if any. + although rewarding when a patient is saved, can be devastating for someone as emotionally intact as I. I mean, I cried while watching ‘Dumbo’ + I was nicknamed crybaby at 17.
Lawyers claim that besides working hard, they play hard too. Sounds like a plan, but then again you know what they say about lawyers being leeches. What more in a country where corruption runs it? I mean, I love Malaysia + I’m one of the few patriotic people my age but seriously, corruption is right under our noses + most people don’t care. I so do not condone ‘if you can’t beat’em, join’em’ in this context.
In the end, I’d settled with Cambridge A levels at Taylor’s College. Despite warnings that this was not going to be a picnic by any measure, I went on to tread in deep waters. + only when there was no way out of it had I realized how truly deep the water was.
I started out with five subjects, Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics, Economics + Thinking Skills. The last two were new to me + I soon found out, were definitely not on my side.
For the first half of A levels –the verdict is combined from results in AS (that’s the first half) + A2- I’d scored 3A’s + 2B’s. I didn’t consider it to be an outstanding result of any sort, but was relieved.
However, scoring B’s –Chemistry + Economics- would mean that to raise it to A’s in the end would be quite a feat. According to experienced lecturers, for a student to achieve an A overall with a B in AS would be difficult, if not rare, as everybody knows that it is much harder to score in A2 than in AS.
Having never liked Economics, I decided to let go of the subject + as Thinking Skills are only required till AS, that was out of my hair as well.
Although I only had three subjects then, the dream of achieving straight A’s glowed only dimly in the back of my mind. I did the math; to score straight A’s, I’d have to achieve marks of 75, 76 + 87 for Biology, Mathematics + Chemistry respectively. The odds were very steeply stacked. + not in my favour, too.
Knowing I couldn’t do it on my own, I enlisted the help of friends, lecturers + even one tuition class. Nearing the final examination, I received my forecast given by my lecturers based on their view on my capabilities in class + my previous efforts. The forecast was ABB for biology, mathematics + chemistry respectively. It wasn’t very comforting, but it ceased to really dampen my self-esteem. After all, the minimum requirement for a Law degree in Taylor’s university is three C’s. But of course, we all want the best for ourselves.
Only a few days ago, it was judgement day. I’d met up with a few good friends of mine, ignoring the disconcerting feeling in my gut, to check our results online.
Due to the fact that most of the A levels students around the globe were anxious to check their results the second it was accessible online, the website was a mess. Many spent hours in front of their computers + other digital devices, waiting in agony for the page to load.
I’d settled for having lunch + a good chat with my buddies before joining the others in the angst.
It was almost 1pm when I endeavoured to log in to my account. I clicked the refresh button mercilessly as I competed with the many other students trying to access to their own accounts.
However, before I was ready, my page had loaded.
Both my hands flew to my face as I hadn’t been prepared for it + I watched helplessly at the screen.
Who’d have thought? Me, of the relatively average intellect would achieve what which has been impossible in the back of my mind. It completely threw me off guard, + living up to my reputation, the tears came. Subtly, but still, they came.
So, with the spring back in my step + self-worth restored –existed is more like it, as it was never really there before-, I am looking forward to bigger + better things in life + hopefully, getting closer to making that little bit of difference in the world someday.
Adam ! <3
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